When “I’m Sorry” Seem To Be The Hardest Words
I’m sorry. I apologize. I was wrong. My bad. Please forgive me.
Sometimes it can be downright hard to utter these words, especially if you do not feel that you are wrong. Even if you are wrong, it can be difficult to say.
Let me tell you! Over the past 11 years, I’ve had to apologize more times than I can remember. Recently, Robert asked what he could do to improve our relationship. After a few days, I had a list together that I shared with him. The list was not well received. My timing was off, and my delivery was poor. (I sent a text.) We hadn’t had any quality time in a few days because he was on his 3rd straight overtime shift, and I was just ready to share. He was upset, but I felt like he asked for it, so why should I apologize?
We can bump into a stranger and say “I’m sorry” or “Excuse me” with no trouble, but can truly hurt our partner without offering a word of apology. During the argument that surely ensued after I delivered the list (which we did eventually discuss in peace), I heard him say he felt criticized for not doing enough while he was out there working three straight overtime shifts to provide for us. That is not what I meant at all, but that is how he received it. I apologized immediately, not for what I said, but for how it made him feel. I never want him to feel unappreciated in this relationship. Peace in our relationship is worth much more than my pride.
No one wants to feel the danger of losing their power. It takes vulnerability to admit that you are wrong, to give another person the ability to judge and sentence you. You may worry that your partner will have something to hold over your head. Perhaps, in your eyes, what you’ve done is not that bad. In fact, he’s done worse! Maybe giving an apology lowers your self-esteem and makes you feel ashamed, so you don’t say it much to avoid those feelings. You might have the “he’ll get over it” mentality.
Whatever the reasons for holding back, apologies are important to bring healing and strength to a relationship. In general, I am quick to offer an apology. I hate when there is discord in any of my relationships. I’ll apologize even if I don’t feel I am wrong, just to start a conversation about something that may be wrong. Robert takes a little more time to get there, but he’s come a long way in the past 11 years. He sees my willingness to humble myself in apology, and now, he works to do the same. You may be the type of person that just hates to apologize, but when you marry, you both have to work at becoming the person you need to be to stay in this relationship. As you share your lives together, there will be conflict, and there must be apologies along the way.
To take it a step further, how you apologize also makes a difference. Have you ever offered an apology, and it didn’t seem to make a difference? Have you ever received what felt like an insincere apology? Those lingering feelings, the cold exchanges, the tip toeing around each other, taking the long way home. It’s the worst! Many people have heard about and know their Love Languages, but have you ever heard of the Apology Languages? We all have a specific apology language that help us receive the most sincere apologies. The 5 Apology Languages are brought to us by Gary Chapman who also brought us the 5 Love Languages. Here is a quiz you and your spouse can take to find out your apology languages. I think they will help in making your next dreaded apology one that gets right to the heart.